Tobins Pizza Owner Continues to Drive Business Into Ground. (reprint)
(AS) Bloomington, IL - While the idea was to keep the
public from knowing that Tobins Pizza founder, Jim
Tobin, no longer owned the business (a move designed
to deter customers from altering their pizza loyalty),
it should be known that Mr. Tobin is not the idiot
that is running his name into the ground.
Current owner, Moe Davis, and his small-town
capitalist hillbilly ideals are apparently ripping the
Bloomington/Normal institution apart at the very
foundation. Those who have worked in the food service
industry know that the presence of cannibis (aka dope,
weed, pot, mac special, marijuana) in the systems of
employees is as prevalent as cheese on the product.
However, Mr. Davis feels that he needs to irradicate
THC from the blood of his business. Mr. Davis, has
been quoted as saying, "anyone who does that is white
trash as far as I'm concerned." Willie Nelson and
former President William Clinton could not be reached
for comments.
While his more experienced, intelligent, and cultured
managers attempted to explain to him that he (Davis)
would find it easier to look the other way, the
stubborn jerk (who has also been heard using sexist
and racist language) took a George W. Bush-like stance
and declared that he would rid the second-rate pizza
operation of all drugs. His first move was to put a
sign on the wall stating that any employee possessing
any drug would be "terminated." Just as G.W. has yet
to round up Osama Bin Laden, Moe Davis has yet to
accomplish shit in terms of ridding the once
prosperous business of marijuana.
"You can't stop these guys from getting high... what
else do they have?" pondered long-time Tobins manager,
"Uncle" Larry Crummett, who has undoubtedly seen over
one thousand potheads receive paychecks from his
employer. Former general manager, Mike "Latenight"
Neal added that Mr. Davis is, "not smart."
The overweight and bald conservative Davis has brought
his persecution of the Tobins Cartel to a head this
week after he found a bag containing doobie in the
parking lot of his business. His response was to
contact the Bloomington Police Department and have
officers come and run ID checks on all of his
employees (his customers, who use the parking lot were
not checked). Apparently there were no arrests made
invlolving the said bag, however, one employee,
perhaps his most valuable, was arrested for an
outstanding five year-old warrant, of which the
employee was unaware of.
What did Moe Davis gain from this experience? It is
likely that as usual he learned absolutely nothing.
His own personal war on drugs has perhaps cost him a
valuable asset and any remaining shred of loyalty (ha)
from his employees. It is doubtful that Moe Dumbis
will ever learn the values of being open-minded and
respectful towards those who work for him. Perhaps
when he dies and goes to the heaven for wealthy white
Republicans, he will be able to open a restaurant
packed with employees that work for less than minimum
wage and pass daily drug tests. Perhaps he will also
be informed by his capitalist God that it is not right
to give a Mexican employee health insurance and salary
in exchange for his long-time service then two days
later call him a "taco bender" to his face. Perhaps he
will be informed by God Jr. that it is not really OK
to pat his female employees on the ass. Perhaps he
would not do things of that nature at all if his wife
was not going bald as fast as he is.
In conclusion, think twice before you fatten his bank
account and think twice before ordering food from any
business in town that offers the second-rate beverage,
"RC Cola," of which he is the distributer.
Also, don't bother trying to find the Tobins Pizza
website... Tobins will forever remain in a decade far,
far away.
UPDATE!
The employee who Moe helped learn loyalty by arranging for his arrest is reportedly no longer working at Tobins. It is reported that at some point, the employee was "sent home and never returned." The employee was unavailable for comment. His phone just rings and rings. What has Moe really done to him?
Another former Tobin's employee was interviewed about his final day at the business and the African-American man claims he was called, "boy," which is generally considered a rude thing to call a black man if the name-callers is a balding meathead cracker.
To ask Tobin questions of your own, just call Tobin's back phone at (309) 829-6822. Ask for the "Danvers Monkey."
